Depression: How I fight it and win
“People do not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Jesus Christ)
I am no stranger to depression.
I dare say that for a long time, I was clinically depressed judging from Adrian Drew’s insightful article on depression and how to identify it. It is something that I battled with for a very large part of my life. Violent mood swings fueled by violence on the home front and later fueled by the insane desire to get the approval of people I thought mattered.
I can assure you, it was a roller coaster of epic proportions that took its toll on my physical health as well. All that intensified when I went through the harrowing experience of losing a marriage. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. While the marriage was over before it was over, I still clung to the faint hope that things could be different. I ignored the deep depressive states that went on for so long they became a part of me.
I ignored the feelings of anger and resentment.
I pushed the thoughts of suicide far back in my mind when they pushed themselves in front of it.
I woke up every day tired down to the blood flowing in my veins.
I woke up every day and wished I had died.
It was not the greatest place to be and it still isn't.
These days, I am no longer depressed.
I still have mood swings on days when I struggle to articulate my feelings, but I am more conscious about fighting to stay afloat of the negative thoughts that trigger this state.
And this brings me to a very important lesson I learned recently.
Depression is like the extra pounds you pack on when you eat all the junk food you crave and know you shouldn’t have too often. I have learned that just as the mantra, “you are what you eat”, applies to your body, “you are what you think” could also apply to your mind.
I had the opportunity to recently share how I fight depression with a total stranger and it was a rather liberating experience to talk about the deep parts of myself and realize that I did not hurt as much as I used to.
That is another I have learned.
Depression is a pain driven state.
Most of the time when I suffered from depression, it came from a place of recounting painful experiences and events. These memories would trigger a tangle of other emotions that sent me into a spiral of darkness which was very hard to extricate myself from. I have learned that depression is a product of what I feed my mind. Thoughts are to my mind, what food is to my body and just as the right food makes all the difference for my body, the right thoughts count for my mind. It may sound ridiculously simple, but it isn’t.
It is a painful process of replacing years of information systems that have so become a part of your life that you function in them without thinking.
It is a process of being present and conscious in your headspace enough to identify the thought that is potentially calorie-dense (Thoughts are like food for your mind, remember?)
Personally, these are the steps I took to effect being conscious in my headspace and replacing my information systems:
Forgive yourself: remember when I said that depression is a pain driven state? You really cannot fight depression if you do not acknowledge the source of that pain. However, when you choose to look at what makes you depressed, you realize that it is a source that comes from a place where you are constantly blaming yourself for something, wishing things were different, wishing for a rewrite of life. None of these things work. The first thing that set the stage for me was the act of forgiving myself. Even for those events that I had no control over because ultimately, I blamed myself for them as well. It’s done, whatever it is, let it go.
Think about what you are thinking about: the first time I heard this phrase, it came from Joyce Meyers, a woman who had every right to remain in a perpetual state of depression. She had been sexually molested by her father at a young age and had a most tumultuous childhood. But she said this from a pulpit to an audience of millions of people. Her transformation is a source of constant inspiration. I followed her advice. I began to become more conscious about what I think about from the moment I wake up. I found out I thought the most obscene things; “why did I wake up? I want to die! I am so tired! I hate my life! Life is useless”, and on and on it went. No wonder I was depressed! Thinking such thoughts every second produced such a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness in me it was amazing I functioned at all.
Replace and counter; After understanding the kind of thoughts that make up your information system, it’s time to counter those thoughts. But you cannot counter negative thoughts with emptiness. Replacing your information systems means finding thoughts that build you up, that make you confident, hopeful and assured. I found this in the Bible. While words of affirmation are great, the question is, who are you affirming? The logical response would be, “myself” right? But then again, what did your “self” ever do for “you”?
Your “self” was created by someone bigger than it.
Your “self” did not create “you”.
So why affirm your “self”?
After realizing the futility of motivation-speak, I made up my mind to affirm myself using the words of the person who created myself!
I committed to reading the book of 1st John for a month and then the next month and moved on to other books of the Bible. In reading the Bible, I learned about who God says I am to him. Learning to see myself through the lens of God has taken care of a lot of anxiety issues for me.
Redefine your relationships: depression thrives in isolation. It is why you feel the need to be away from people when it hits. It does not like the company of people who have replaced their information and thought systems with something bigger than themselves and the events around them. Finding a company of like-minded people who choose to feed their minds with the word of God above words from people and experiences helped me and still helps me. You thrive when you are in the right environment.
It’s all a snippet but this is how I fight depression and win every day. How do you fight it?
